You don’t have to be sick to get better.

Five success factors of team coaching

“There is a lot of tension between us.” The room went silent for a moment. The colleague opposite her looked completely bewildered. A moment later he said: “I understand that my behavior triggers you. I’m sorry.”

On my way home, my husband called. “How was your session?” “Fantastic,” I said. And I meant it. This is why I do this work. That moment when something that has been under the surface for a long time is finally said. And then something relaxes.

“You don’t have to be sick to get better”

This team had been stuck for a while. The leader had already made several great interventions, but the team kept falling back into old patterns. Yet, I wish such a moment for every team, not just teams that are stuck.

What makes team coaching successful?

In the car, I felt it clearly. Five things. Two of them lie with the team. One with the leader. And two with me.

1. Willingness

The first is the willingness of the participants. I aim for a ‘yes’ from everyone—a ‘yes’ to the session and to an outside facilitator. With a small team, that is truly a must.

With a large team, a full ‘yes’ from every individual is difficult. In those cases, I work with a solid majority, around 80 percent. And I ask the other 20 percent: what do you need to come along?

“A ‘no’ is not an obstacle. It is information.”

Is there no majority? Then I won’t do it. Imposing a session on a team that doesn’t want it likely reinforces the very problem underlying it. I will, however, work with the leaders. Because as I wrote in Change the world. Start with the other.: what you want to change in your team, you can already start changing by beginning with yourself.

2. You participate

Two: as a leader, you are present. Not as a leader, but as a participant. I invite you to join the process, not to lead it. That is my role. At the same time, you do have a different position than the rest of your team. So I ask you to lead the way in vulnerability and openness, and to show where you stand yourself.

“And what if it’s about me?”

Exciting? Certainly. Because what if the tension is about you as a leader? We discuss that beforehand. I ask you: can it be about you? And: what might be true about what your team says about you? It is more of a dialogue, and our contract emerges from that.

In the session, I stand alongside everyone, including you. And I spread the role. If someone says “our leader never listens,” I don’t lock you into that role. I ask: who else recognizes this in themselves, that you don’t always listen? This way, it remains safe for you to be vulnerable too. I described how quickly such a role can otherwise become stuck in The joke that stuck.

“Only when the leader dares to say: yes, I don’t do that very well, does relaxation occur.”

Because only once it has been spoken can you relate to it. And the moment you dare to take your share, if you dare to say “yes, I’m not doing that well,” then relaxation occurs. Then others can take their share too.

3. Safety

Then it requires me to create an environment that is so safe that people dare to speak up. Not safe as in ‘cozy.’ Safe as in: it’s allowed to be uncomfortable here.

A check-in and a team alliance are two important steps in this, more on that later. But safety doesn’t lie in a method alone.

“Safety is not in a method. It is in how I show up myself.”

In my presence, in the energy I bring, in the calm when things get tense. And in my own vulnerability, in the right measure. Enough to show that it’s allowed here, but not so much that the space becomes about me. A team feels within a few minutes whether someone can handle it when things get heated. Only then do people dare to say what is really going on.

4. The right methods

Additionally, I offer the right methods and forms of dialogue in which people can express themselves. Safety and methods are two different things, and they can reinforce or negate each other.

“A good method in a group that isn’t safe yet feels like a trick.”

And a safe group without the right form stays stuck in being nice. It is the interplay that makes the difference.

5. The ability to reflect

And then something I have only limited influence over: to what extent can people reflect on their own behavior? And can they hear feedback?

In this session, it was Rachel who broke the silence. “There is a lot of tension between us,” she said to Mark. Mark was stunned. “Huh? I thought it was between you and Thomas.” “No,” Rachel said. “Thomas and I clash sometimes, but that doesn’t bother me. Our relationship does.”

I probed further. “Rachel, what is it about Mark’s behavior that triggers you so much?” She could explain that very precisely, and Mark recognized it: “That is indeed what I do.” “And what happens to you then, Rachel?” Rachel explained. “Can you imagine that, Mark?” He could. “How is it to hear this?” “It shocks me. I had no idea my behavior caused this.”

Interlocking behavior

Their behavior interlocked. What Mark did triggered something in Rachel. And what Rachel did triggered something in Mark. They were constantly reinforcing each other. They could see that because they were able to listen well and sincerely say: this is mine.

“This is mine. I see that it affects you, and I’m sorry.”

The next question was: are you also willing to work on this? Both said yes. It is so beautiful when that happens. It is healing. It gives you goosebumps. And it touched not just them, but everyone in the room.

No guarantees

Can you know in advance if a team can reflect? No guarantees, I always say. No one knows beforehand. I can only go as far and as fast as a team can handle. I contract for it in the team alliance, and sometimes it helps to speak to everyone beforehand in a short interview. In that, I also ask: what will your contribution be?

This is also part of it

Mark felt very bad afterward. He took it personally. I spoke with him about it. Where did it touch him? What thoughts did he have about it? And how did those thoughts keep his bad feeling alive? That way, we detached it from Rachel. Mark recognized the pattern: really taking things to heart. Exactly the circle of thoughts, emotions, and a body that confirms them, which I wrote about in my previous blog.

“A session like this hits home, sometimes only afterward.”

That’s why a session involving friction never stands alone. I plan at least three. The first two are needed to get everything on the table. In the third session, the team often makes the turn toward the future themselves and the members start making agreements about the next steps. And after a few months, a ‘check-up’ session often follows: how is it going, what do we need to refine?

Roles that start flowing again

Do Rachel and Mark have to become best friends now? Of course not. It’s about what was under the surface coming up. That we talk about it and spread the roles. Then it’s no longer about Rachel or Mark, but about their behavior. And that behavior is bigger than Rachel and Mark themselves. It occurs in others too. In fact: what Mark does is partly in Rachel too, and vice versa.

“Everything that happens in a team is a signal.”

So it’s never about who is to blame. Something wants to move, or something needs to be protected. If you point to one person, the next one is already waiting. I described that in The rotten apple in a team does not exist.

Do it yourself

Can you do this yourself as a leader? To some extent, yes. As a leader, you can perfectly well use the check-in and the team alliance yourself. Inspiration for the check-in and an explanation of the method can be found in my top 20 check-in questions.

For the team alliance, you ask questions like: what atmosphere do we want? What helps us to work well together? How do we handle friction when things get tense? What do you need from me as a leader? And what do I need from you as a leader? End with a clear yes or no from everyone, because no one gets away with a vague nod. You can read how to approach that in Team alliance ensures peace and safety.

Fish and sharks

But I sometimes put it this way: a leader can catch fish themselves. Once those fish have become sharks, you really need someone from the outside.

“A leader can catch fish themselves. Once they have become sharks, you need someone from the outside.”

And that also has to do with your position. You cannot be both participant and facilitator at the same time. If you facilitate the process yourself, you stand above it instead of in the middle of it, and you cannot lead the way in vulnerability. And sometimes you are part of the pattern yourself. Not because you are doing something wrong, but because everyone in a system plays a role. Including the leader.

A quick question for you

How is your team doing? What would happen if you spoke that one sentence that has been hanging in the air for a while? You don’t have to wait until it pinches.

Curious about what a team session could mean for you? Feel free to contact me, and we can look at what is needed together.

And do you want to take a step further together as a management team or board? In my nine-month program Deep Reset, we learn to look under the surface at the patterns and roles that hold you as a team. Not because something is wrong. Because you don’t have to be sick to get better.